


call out my name (when I kiss you so gently)

by majorstallmadge



Category: The Handmaid's Tale (TV)
Genre: Character Study, F/M, June/Nick metioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2020-01-13 13:13:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18469672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/majorstallmadge/pseuds/majorstallmadge
Summary: In Gilead, Nick, is the only thing that feels real. When he first said ‘I love you’ it left a sweet taste of lemonade on her tongue, like she was being kissed by the fading sun. His love is the only thing that belonged to her inside these prison walls.





	call out my name (when I kiss you so gently)

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this last year when I got super into those two. This was me channeling my need for these two to leave Gilead with Hannah and be a happy family.  
> The idea wasn't originally based on the song, but as I was writing this, I was hit with the knowledge that this song is SO PERFECT for them and kind of incorporated a few things on the low key side.  
> Originally was meant to be a four or five chapter fic, but considering I am posting this almost a year after writing it won’t happen, but I liked it enough to be a single chapter thing.

_We found each other_

_I helped you out of a broken place_

_You gave me comfort_

_But falling for you was my mistake_

  
  


She is so fucking stupid.

She hardly knows him ― yet her stomach flutters and her heart races every time she even catches a glimpse of him. Even worse, her heart melts and her cheeks redden when his dark eyes find her blue ones.

A moron, that’s what she is.

She is sure there is a complex psychological explanation that involves the fact that they are going through a traumatic experience together that explains why she feels so deeply for this man she hardly knows.

(She knows his name - but not his middle one -, knows he is from Michigan and that he had a father and a brother. No names are mentioned, she is not even sure if they are alive or not. She thinks the latter).

She also doesn't care.

In Gilead, Nick, is the only thing that feels real. When he first said ‘ _I love you_ ’ it left a sweet taste of lemonade on her tongue, like she was being kissed by the fading sun. His love is the only thing that belonged to her inside these prison walls.

Ever since their first night together she couldn’t think of anything else. How his name left her lips like marble rolling around the floor and how his face above her looked wild and unrestrained. He looked like he belonged in a museum, and she an undeserving bystander of such beauty on display.

Before, there was only Hannah giving her strength to go on, now there is Nick and their unborn child. She fills her days thinking of what they could be together as a family.

She was insane for feeding such thoughts. But she just couldn’t help herself.

She will always love Luke, but what she feels for Nick is beyond words (She can’t quite understand it or explain this bond formed between them). He was the only one that could begin to understand this new version of herself. The June before Gilead is gone and whatever being Offred inflicted upon her soul can never be erased or forgotten.

Luke would never be able to understand the horrors she been through. Not even Nick, at least not fully, but he is closer than anyone else would ever be.

(She also fears that if she ever sees Luke again he will look at her with pity, shame, strangeness, like she is weak - and she is many things, but she is **_not_ ** weak - or a bunch of other adjectives that churn her stomach).

She had no way of knowing in the beginning. Nick is a master in covering his facial expressions and feelings, but even though she doesn’t know a whole bunch about him, she knows now without having to ask what his glances meant. Even after all she had been through and she **_still is_ ** going through, his opinion of her never changed and his feelings only flourished.

Her breath catches every time she remembers their little exchange in the kitchen. How his forehead touched her arm while his hands stroked her belly in the most intimate way and his eyes shined with pure _love_ and _adoration_. She knew that he allowed himself to forget this mess they lived in for a few moments so he could show her how devoted he was to her and the miracle she was giving him. How much he wanted all if they could have it.

That little moment was her prayer ever since.

Her feelings are nothing if not ludicrous, but God she wants it so much.

She needs no man to rescue her like a Disney princess, but she can’t help feeling whole when he is near.

She’s been ignoring him, giving him her handmaid-ready speeches like a Stepford wife; but she feels like she will collapse if she looks at him.

He is not the one to blame for the failure of her escape, it was a shitload of bad luck. She wants to tell him, **_no_ ** , she wants to assure him she doesn’t hate him, but she simply can’t. Not right now. Not when she got _so close_ that she could almost _taste_ freedom.

So, she buried inside her shell. She needed to drown in the memories of them while she was hiding. The touches, the glances, the kisses, the mind-blowing sex and the sweet lovemaking they shared, unrestrained by their hierarchical position on Gilead’s regime.

She was spoiled by such happiness.

Being back to the Waterford’s house almost broke her soul, and she remembered what he once told her about everyone breaking eventually. He was right.

Well, almost.

What came as a surprise was the realization of the basic mistake she had committed every time she tried to run away. The reason why it did not matter if she was dressed as an Aunt, a Martha, Econo Wife or even as a Commander’s Wife. It didn't even matter if she looked like she was supposed to be there. As long as she was dressed as a woman she would be surveilled and found in case she ran. A woman - especially a handmaid - was worth chasing. But not a man. Men were hardly afforded a glance if thought dead - take Luke, for example, she was sure he lived because not a single guardian took the trouble to check, too worried about her and Hannah.

She didn't know how or even when - though considering the size of her belly, her time was running out _fast_ \- but she was going to leave Gilead and she would do so dressed in the only way she wouldn’t be noticed too much: like a man.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys like it and I can't wait for the show to be back!


End file.
